We need to talk.
Those four little words can be some of the scariest that another person speaks to you or that you must speak to someone. Crucial conversations are a part of everyday life, whether in our personal relationships or professional ventures. These conversations are called "crucial" for a reason – they involve high stakes, strong emotions, and differing opinions. Mastering the art of crucial conversations can make the difference between success and failure. Fortunately, there is a structured approach that can help you navigate these difficult discussions with confidence and success. (Grenny et al., 2022)
Start with the Heart
Every crucial conversation should begin with you. Before addressing the issue at hand, take a moment to reflect on your own intentions and feelings. Starting with the heart Skilled people maintain focus in two ways. First they are smart when it comes to knowing what they want and two, they are don’t make either/or choices. Ask yourself what you really want to achieve from this conversation and be open to change.
What do I really want for myself?
What do I really want for others?
What do I really want for the relationship?
Starting with a clear heart and positive intentions can set the tone for a productive dialogue.
Learn to Look
When we are caught up in a difficult conversation it is hard to see what is fully happening. During a conversation, we should watch for three conditions to change:
The moment a conversation turns crucial: emotions change (scared, hurt, angry) or behaviors change (raising voice, pointing a finger, becoming quiet)
Signs that people don’t feel safe: when it is safe you can say anything, when people feel unsafe in the conversation that's where you start to go blind. Two main reactions when people do not feel safe is: silence or violence.
Your own style under stress: most people have trouble pulling themselves away from their emotions in a high stakes conversation. We need to become a vigilant self-monitor and watch what we are doing that has an impact on the conversation.
Make it Safe
We need to step out of the content of the conversation. Safety is crucial for any conversation to be productive. In order to do this it must be a place that is free of judgments or jumping to conclusions. To move forward in a crucial conversation, find common ground and establish a mutual purpose and respect. Identify shared goals or objectives that both parties can agree upon. This helps shift the conversation from a confrontational stance to a collaborative one, where you work together to achieve a positive outcome. Make it clear that you value their input and are willing to work together to find a solution.
Master my Stories
Recognize that your interpretation of events may not align with reality. Get back to the facts and separate them from your judgments and emotions. Once the facts are stated and agreed upon, it is important to note that an infinite number of stories can be created from the same facts (watch out for victim stories, villain stories and helpless stories). We need to master our stories by retracing our path.
Act: notice your behavior
Feel: get in touch with your feelings
Tell story: analyze your stories
See/Hear: get back to the facts
S.T.A.T.E. my Path
To move forward in a crucial conversation, we should speak persuasively and not abrasively. To do this we can follow the S.T.A.T.E. acronym.
Share your facts
Tell your story
Ask for others' paths
Talk tentatively
Encourage testing
The first three skills describe what to do, while the last to tell how to do it.
Explore Others' Path
Understanding and hearing the other person's viewpoint is important in resolving conflicts. Ask open-ended questions to encourage them to share their perspective and feelings. Be genuinely curious about their experiences and motivations. Use the AMPP listening tools to help make it safe for other people to speak without fear.
Ask to get things rolling.
Mirror to confirm feelings.
Paraphrase to acknowledge the story.
Prime when you're getting nowhere.
Move to Action
Now that you've explored each other's paths, it's time to determine a path forward. Collaboratively brainstorm solutions and agree on actionable steps. Clearly define responsibilities and timelines, ensuring both parties are committed to following through. Having a dialogue is not decision making. The four most common ways of decision making are: command, consult, vote and consensus. We need to decide how we will decide. Whichever way is chosen there needs to be clearly defined roles and expectations about who does what by when and then set a follow up time.
Applying these steps as a teacher leader on my campus can help me navigate those hard conversations that will inevitably arise. By recognizing the need for crucial conversations and employing a well-prepared mindset and environment, I can proactively address issues. When I start with the heart and utilize the S.T.A.T.E. method it empowers me to express my perspective effectively while encouraging others to share theirs. When I am able to create a safe environment and master my story it enhances trust and understanding. When I can explore others' paths it helps me appreciate diverse viewpoints and see there are always more stories with the same facts. Finally, when I move to action it ensures that issues are not just discussed but also resolved, leading to real improvements within our organization. Remember, the key to success in crucial conversations is not just about talking but about really understanding and working toward a positive resolution together.
Falk, S. (2022, October 2). . . - YouTube. Retrieved September 30, 2023, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixEI4_2Xivw
Grenny, J., Patterson, K., McMillan, R., Switzler, A., & Gregory, E. (2022). Crucial conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high (2nd ed.). McGraw Hill.
Kaufaman, A. (2013, August 24). Friedman's Theory of Differentiated Leadership Made Simple. YouTube. Retrieved September 30, 2023, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9H-i9lHr28
Video Review for Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson. (2015, August 20). YouTube. Retrieved September 30, 2023, from https://youtu.be/EFaXx3pgaxM
Comentarios